Maryland Butt Flutter

October 26, 2011

Lusby, MD

Just couldn’t seem to get to bed.  I spent some time standing at the dining room sliding door looking out over the creek, sipping cups of hot water.  Then I’d get more water and walk out to the front porch and listen to the soft breeze stirring the early autumn leaves.  I liked the whispering, no syllables, just mamasita natura flowing through the leaves telling them it was time to sleep, time to let loose, to leave their source of life and float to earth for the last time.  I think I got the message, finally went to bed.

At about 6 or so I woke up needing to go to the bathroom, that’ll happen after drinking about 4-5 cups of hot water the night before after having 2-3 glasses of red wine.  I drink the hot water because I no longer find the wine tasty and because it is good for a healthy system.

My eyes were weary, and my bones were tired with only 3 hours sleep.  So instead of standing I lifted only the toilet lid and did the unmanly act of sitting on the stool to urinate. 

Elbows on my knees, chin resting on my hands, I let my eyes close to shield the light and to rest the weary eyelids.

Suddenly, my eyes came wide open!

Involuntarily, my body froze all muscles.

I stopped breathing.

Did something just brush against my left butt cheek???

I wanted to leap up screaming!  But I didn’t.  I swear something brushed my butt. Am I imagining this?  Am I awake….yes, this is not a dream.

I sat perfectly still, slowly resumed shallow breathing.  My mind is racing with numerous thoughts and courses of action.  If it was my imagination then there is no reason to leap up off the toilet.  But if it was not my imagination, and something did brush my cheek, then logic says there is something in the toilet and if I do leap off I better do it spectacularly.

Holy CRAP!!  (no pun intended), what the hell could be in the toilet ????

Since I have an extremely healthy fear of anything that slithers or wiggles, my first thought was, “could it be a snake”?  Naw….a snake wouldn’t crawl into the toilet.  Next thought was, “so how do I know all this about snakes??”

A spider? Nahhh, I would’ve felt the spider crawling from the seat onto the butt skin nearest the toilet seat….before feeling it where I did…..well away from the edge of the seat...so what the hell???

Suddenly, yours truly is experiencing a massive vulnerability. 

The mind is still racing….no guy likes to imagine his jewels hanging out there in the breeze for some native life form to brush against.

Now, all of these thoughts took place in slow motion in a period of about 60 seconds…or for us vulnerable guys, a life time of hanging in the breeze.

I was just starting to accept that it was all my imagination, started breathing fully, and was relaxing the dam muscle when

AAAIIIIII  !!!! something brushed against the jewels !!

I leaped up off the toilet while letting out a yelp, franticly dancing on the floor rug, lifting one foot then the other, right hand swatting at my backside, left hand reaching down in front crazily swatting away the perceived demon, all the while still hopping sideways left, sideways right, swatting, brushing, yelping…..and

Nothing there.

Nothing was down below threating my holy manly parts.  So what the hell??

Am I going crazy….too much freakin water last night??

I peered into the toilet bowl……

Jesus Freaking Christ !!!

The biggest goddam fuzzy brown moth was sitting on the inner side of the bowl!!  I looked at the window under the shade…yep, I had left it open during the night…again.  I looked back into the bowl and suddenly the moth went airborne to the other side of the bowl.  It was the little bastards’ wings that fluttered against my sensitivities!

I opened the window wider, lifted the seat, got a strip of toilet paper and dangled it to the moth and it flew out of the toilet.  A little more coaxing and I got it to fly out the window fluttering its way out over Maryland….I’m sure it was marveling at escaping the dangers that could have occurred to it while in the toilet bowl.

Yes, now I am totally paranoid about toilets.  I’m sure that if some organization issues Toilet Inspector Certifications that I would fully qualify without having to take an exam.  Yes, you could say I am now totally anal about inspecting a toilet before sitting on it. 

I can only imagine the story being told among Fluttering Moths in Maryland.

C ya mañana…n check those bowls before sittin,
Gonzo
twitter: @GonzoCrossUSA
email: GonzoCrossUSA@gmail.com